Sunday, June 24, 2018

My Bliss

I had babies early in life.  And they were no surprise...

I made the decision to have babies young, knowing family life was the life I wanted to pursue.  I tried to get pregnant with Andy for only 3-4 months before he was conceived.  I found out I was pregnant about a week before the 9/11/01 attacks, and on that day I sat and cried, wondering why I would want to bring a child into this world.  I was just a couple weeks away from turning 21 years old.  He was born in May 2002.

Andy's birth photo - May 6, 2002
Once Andy was a little over a year old, his dad and I decided to give him a sibling.  I grew up an only child and never wanted my kids to know that boredom.  I was always sad that I didn't have a brother or sister (or more) to at least talk to while I was growing up.  I conceived Evan almost immediately upon the decision to get pregnant again.  He was born in July 2004, making my boys just over 2 years apart.

Evan's birth photo - July 1, 2004
Then came Cory, who was a surprise.  I did want a 3rd child, but his timing was not planned.  And I was hopeful and convinced that I would have a girl.  When I found out during my 20 week ultrasound that he was a boy, I cried.  But he was a blessing anyway, because I am very happy to have three boys.  Cory was born in August 2005, making him only 13 months younger than Evan.  I made sure to enjoy every moment of his pregnancy, knowing he would be my last.

Cory's birth photo - August 8, 2005
At the time of Cory's birth I opted for a tubal ligation.  I decided at that point, with all the unpredictability in my life, and unstable relationships and finances, three babies was more than enough to take care of on my own.  I was only 24, but I knew I could handle no more.  I regretted the decision immediately, wishing I had gotten some sort of birth control like an IUD instead.

Years passed, and a few relationships came and went where a tubal ligation reversal was considered and discussed.  It never happened because none of those relationships were the right ones.  None of those guys were worth having a baby with, and I knew it.  Today, I am very thankful for those decisions - the tubal ligation, and the decision to never have a reversal with anyone else.

I always had regret though.  My body was a perfect creator of babies, my pregnancies were always uneventful and my babies were all born big and healthy.  I felt like I was wasting my potential.  I considered being a surrogate mom a few times, but as I was unemployed and on government assistance, agencies and potential parents would have seen it as a money making scheme and my demographics as such disqualified me.  When all I really wanted was just to be pregnant and give families the babies they always wanted.  But eventually, after years, I accepted the fact that I would never be pregnant again.  I have always loved being a mom, and at this point I just became even more focused on my boys.

Cory, Andy, Evan - April 2007
Then Jarrod walked into my life.  He had had some of the same experiences - being the solely responsible parent the majority of the time with his kids, then dating and not wanting babies with other people.  He had a vasectomy and had accepted he would not have any more kids.  We both were settled into raising our kids and looking forward to our freedom as younger empty-nesters.  But after finding one another, and feeling that strong, otherworldly connection, we knew we were starting over with each other...

The 8 of us - Thanksgiving 2017
We got married quickly, we moved in together immediately, our combined six kids had a lot of adjusting to do suddenly, as did we.  Discussion for having reversal surgeries came to us rather quickly as well.  We just felt it was a NEED we had, to have babies together, to know what they look like when our genetics mix, and to create additions to our family together.  It felt meant to be, like he and I should have done this together from the beginning.  So we got our reversal surgeries and got pregnant immediately.  Unbelievably quick, so much so that health care professionals were stunned.  Which to us, just reinforced the idea that it was meant to be.

Positive pregnancy test and 6 week ultrasound - June 18, 2018
So now I am just about 7 weeks pregnant.  It's something I had accepted would never happen again, and I couldn't be more thrilled that it has!  Knowing I have another life growing inside me, and knowing this new life is the creation of the true love I share with my soulmate is absolute perfection - the best feeling I've ever known.  I am so excited to be carrying our child, to be pregnant, to know I'll be able to feel him/her kicking and playing.... to be able to give birth and share this amazing new chapter of our family together.  This is my bliss!  It's absolute Heaven.

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