Saturday, July 28, 2018

Privacy

Over the last many years I’ve personally participated in social media, for the vast majority of my experiences, I have been a pretty public person.  I enjoyed the attention, and even strived for more followers/friends/connections.  However, nowadays, it seems the more public I am with my life, whether it be good or bad experiences I’m sharing, I get negative feedback.  Mostly from strangers.  Sure, I get good feedback too, mostly from long-time friends… and I truly appreciate it.  But the bad feedback I get hurts.  And honestly, I have enough going on in my life that I don’t feel I have room for the any of the negativity.

There are extended family members and exes of both of ours that have nothing but negative to say about our life together, and us as individuals.  I know a couple that follow us just to badmouth us.  And ya know, people are all entitled to their opinions.  But when they feel the need to share those opinions, or intentionally start rumors about us that are so obviously not true, just to hurt us in one way or another… well it’s incredibly unnecessary.  If those people are so miserable in their own lives, I don’t see how it’s going to make them feel better to try to bring us down.

My point here is, I’m done playing the game.  I’m done publicly fueling the fire.  From now on, my posts will be private – shared only with those I know, and who I know care about us for more than their bitter amusement.  I am choosing to surround myself with a positive circle of people, and no one else.  Jarrod and I are pretty happy in our little family bubble, and anyone allowed into that at this point should consider themselves fortunate.  My personal Facebook and Instagram will be private from now on, and THIS, my personal blog, is being closed. 

CLOSING AUGUST 15TH.

Even to me this seems like a pretty drastic step to take, but I’ve been simmering in it for a while, trying to decide which path to take.  And I think closing out the negativity, and the public, is the best way to go.  For family, personal, and pregnancy updates, check my personal Facebook and Instagram.  If we aren't friends there and we should be, send me a friend request.  Otherwise, you're likely one of the people I'm trying to shut out.

Also posted on HesseLane.life

Sunday, June 24, 2018

My Bliss

I had babies early in life.  And they were no surprise...

I made the decision to have babies young, knowing family life was the life I wanted to pursue.  I tried to get pregnant with Andy for only 3-4 months before he was conceived.  I found out I was pregnant about a week before the 9/11/01 attacks, and on that day I sat and cried, wondering why I would want to bring a child into this world.  I was just a couple weeks away from turning 21 years old.  He was born in May 2002.

Andy's birth photo - May 6, 2002
Once Andy was a little over a year old, his dad and I decided to give him a sibling.  I grew up an only child and never wanted my kids to know that boredom.  I was always sad that I didn't have a brother or sister (or more) to at least talk to while I was growing up.  I conceived Evan almost immediately upon the decision to get pregnant again.  He was born in July 2004, making my boys just over 2 years apart.

Evan's birth photo - July 1, 2004
Then came Cory, who was a surprise.  I did want a 3rd child, but his timing was not planned.  And I was hopeful and convinced that I would have a girl.  When I found out during my 20 week ultrasound that he was a boy, I cried.  But he was a blessing anyway, because I am very happy to have three boys.  Cory was born in August 2005, making him only 13 months younger than Evan.  I made sure to enjoy every moment of his pregnancy, knowing he would be my last.

Cory's birth photo - August 8, 2005
At the time of Cory's birth I opted for a tubal ligation.  I decided at that point, with all the unpredictability in my life, and unstable relationships and finances, three babies was more than enough to take care of on my own.  I was only 24, but I knew I could handle no more.  I regretted the decision immediately, wishing I had gotten some sort of birth control like an IUD instead.

Years passed, and a few relationships came and went where a tubal ligation reversal was considered and discussed.  It never happened because none of those relationships were the right ones.  None of those guys were worth having a baby with, and I knew it.  Today, I am very thankful for those decisions - the tubal ligation, and the decision to never have a reversal with anyone else.

I always had regret though.  My body was a perfect creator of babies, my pregnancies were always uneventful and my babies were all born big and healthy.  I felt like I was wasting my potential.  I considered being a surrogate mom a few times, but as I was unemployed and on government assistance, agencies and potential parents would have seen it as a money making scheme and my demographics as such disqualified me.  When all I really wanted was just to be pregnant and give families the babies they always wanted.  But eventually, after years, I accepted the fact that I would never be pregnant again.  I have always loved being a mom, and at this point I just became even more focused on my boys.

Cory, Andy, Evan - April 2007
Then Jarrod walked into my life.  He had had some of the same experiences - being the solely responsible parent the majority of the time with his kids, then dating and not wanting babies with other people.  He had a vasectomy and had accepted he would not have any more kids.  We both were settled into raising our kids and looking forward to our freedom as younger empty-nesters.  But after finding one another, and feeling that strong, otherworldly connection, we knew we were starting over with each other...

The 8 of us - Thanksgiving 2017
We got married quickly, we moved in together immediately, our combined six kids had a lot of adjusting to do suddenly, as did we.  Discussion for having reversal surgeries came to us rather quickly as well.  We just felt it was a NEED we had, to have babies together, to know what they look like when our genetics mix, and to create additions to our family together.  It felt meant to be, like he and I should have done this together from the beginning.  So we got our reversal surgeries and got pregnant immediately.  Unbelievably quick, so much so that health care professionals were stunned.  Which to us, just reinforced the idea that it was meant to be.

Positive pregnancy test and 6 week ultrasound - June 18, 2018
So now I am just about 7 weeks pregnant.  It's something I had accepted would never happen again, and I couldn't be more thrilled that it has!  Knowing I have another life growing inside me, and knowing this new life is the creation of the true love I share with my soulmate is absolute perfection - the best feeling I've ever known.  I am so excited to be carrying our child, to be pregnant, to know I'll be able to feel him/her kicking and playing.... to be able to give birth and share this amazing new chapter of our family together.  This is my bliss!  It's absolute Heaven.

Saturday, June 23, 2018

Surprise! I'm Pregnant!

I may have tested negative on Wednesday, May 30th when I needed to start those heavy meds for my infection..... but on Sunday, June 3rd, when my period was due, I tested positive!  WE'RE PREGNANT!!


The morning that I tested, I didn't really have any reason to do so.  I just woke up, thought it was weird that my boobs were more sore than normal, noticed I wasn't bleeding yet, and figured why not, since we had purchased a 3-pack of tests.  So I went into the bathroom and tested.  The positive line came up as quickly as the test line and immediately I was a little freaked out.  Not because I was pregnant - that was EXCITING!!!  But because I had started those antibiotics that I was not supposed to take during pregnancy.  Jarrod had already gone to work that morning, so I texted him and told him to come to get me a little early so we could chat first.  He showed up about half an hour later (but it seemed like I waited for HOURS).  I told him some other random stuff that had been going on around the house, and then handed him the pregnancy test from my pocket.  He was so happy, but also a little hesitant to be happy because of my infection issues and medications.  He couldn't stop looking at the test in awe as we continued to discuss everything on our minds.

It was entirely unexpected, unpredicted, and highly unlikely to happen so soon.  I mean really, I ovulated only FIVE days after Jarrod's vasectomy reversal.  And to quote Jarrod, "The recommended healing time before attempting “relations” was two weeks, and I don’t mind telling you that we have stuck unyieldingly to that medical advice, being the responsible adults that we are and whatnot."  So I don't know how that could have possibly happened.  Hahaha!

Like the doctor said, those sperm must've been waiting at the gates like racehorses, just waiting for the reversal to be done.  And BAM, pregnant!  But we've waited to tell anyone because first of all, the test was positive on the actual day of my period being due.  Which would have made me only 1 day short of being 4 weeks along.  That is very early to know for certain there will be a future for this tiny life.  Also, with my tubal reversal, there is a higher chance of ectopic pregnancy, and we wanted to wait until we had all our early testing and viability ultrasound done before we even told our kids and the rest of our family, let alone going public with it all.


Well, today I am officially 6 weeks and 5 days along, and we got our ultrasound to make sure baby is where he/she is supposed to be, and all is well!  And with that information we were able to tell the kids and other family members.... and now share it with the world!  We are so excited that this happened, especially so quickly!  Baby is due February 11, 2019. There will be plenty of updates along the way!  So stay tuned...

Published 5 days ago on HesseLane.life.